Andrew M’s Incomplete TOPIC: Missouri Compromise Submission

In researching the topic of the Missouri Compromise for inspiration for this inaugural post, I learned that two key figures in the political fight were Speaker of House JOHN TAYLOR and Main Senator JOHN HOLMES. Immediately I made the connection to two modern day men who shared those names – bass player for Duran Duran JOHN TAYLOR, and infamous 70s porn star (and Boogie Night inspiration) JOHN HOLMES.

I attempted to write jokey screenplay dialogue between the old timey Taylor and Holmes, in which they referenced aspects of the modern Taylor and Holmes. And this, unfortunately, is all I could come up with:

FADE IN:

INT. U.S. CAPITOL - DAY

Speaker of the House and Representative of New York JOHN TAYLOR meets Maine Senator JOHN HOLMES on the main floor of the U.S. Capitol.

TAYLOR
Senator Holmes, my good man! How
are you?

HOLMES
Speaker Taylor! Old friend, you
find me not well. This business
about the Missouri Compromise
weighs heavily on me.

TAYLOR
And with me, too. We are doing all
we can in the House to ensure your
state of Main is admitted to the
Union as a free state.

HOLMES
But how I lament the idea that we
shall have a Union half free, and
have slave. Surely this is not a
burden the founders wished our
country to face so early in its
young life.

TAYLOR
Indeed, the situation is quite
stressful. How do you cope?

HOLMES
I have busied my mind with the
usual pursuits; I have my books,
the nightly glass of sherry after
dinner. And, of course, the
pornography I make in my
basement...

TAYLOR
I beg your pardon? Pornography?

HOLMES
Yes. The committing of graphic
depictions of sexuality to record.
Have you not heard of it?

TAYLOR
I am a Christian, Holmes. I most
certainly have NOT! What on Earth
would posses you to do such a
thing?!

HOLMES
I have an enormous penis, Taylor.

TAYLOR
Quiet your voice, Holmes! Unless
you ENJOY the word "penis" echoing
through the Capitol rotunda!

HOLMES
(thinks for a moment)
I quite do, Taylor.

TAYLOR
I said zip it, Holmes! Jesus...

HOLMES
Forgive me. Tell me, Taylor, as
Speaker of the House, how will you
rally your fellow Representatives
to accept this compromise.

TAYLOR
The only way I know how, Holmes.
With the most stirring oratory I
can muster...perhaps followed by a
bass solo.

HOLMES
I do not understand...you'll be
singing?

TAYLOR
No, I will hold a modified cello
sideways and engage the emotions of
my fellow lawmakers through poppy,
slap-bass hooks.

HOLMES
That makes little sense to me.

TAYLOR
You should hear the lyrics...

After this, NOTHING. I couldn’t come up with any more jokes. I tried, I swear. I thought I might have been on to something with having Taylor’s powdered wig knocked off to reveal spiky New Wave hair underneath (styled with the readily available candle wax of the day), and having him correlate the state of the Union with “Union of the Snake” but, alas, I could not get there. Also, it’s hard to make porn jokes in a time when film cameras did not exist.

So I apologize for this half-post. Hopefully the next topic will be less impenetrable than 200 year old parliamentary maneuvers.